White noise: check.
Screen magnified to readable size? Yes.
Premature case of writer’s block? Already, yes. Here I go with a new endeavor to make a habit of blogging. This is not my first blog, but promises to be my most fulfilling for personal reasons which should become evident over the course of time.
Despite my ballooning self-criticism that I have nothing to say, I intend to say many things here. At this early point in my endeavor, I’m not promising I’ll contribute any particular knowledge unique to myself to the community of bloggers and blog-readers. I want to be clear about what this blog is to me – a personal record of my own reflections and observations, a habit, and a means to understanding myself better and feeling comfortable in my own skin again.
I was bred in the writing way. My dad is a writer. By that I mean he is skilled in elucidating his perspectives, whether in mass emails to friends and family or in writing for the purpose of oration. The grade school I attended chanted the motto “Writing is a big thing” to the point of ritualism, and, to wit, descriptive writing was a big part of curriculum throughout my career there.
I used to think myself to be a talented writer, and the sentiment was echoed by my English teachers all the way through senior year of high school. I thought at one point I wanted to be a journalist. The early-morning hours of my junior year of high school were occupied with senior-editing the school annual. Yeah, back then I was pretty cool by any average high school kid’s standards (here would be a good time for me to say that I have a perennial love affair with irony and sarcasm. I’ve since learned to abate my tendencies when text messaging, but I just don’t think I can avoid it in this forum).
Still high on personal pride in my writing skills after graduating high school, I used the then only newly-popular MySpace to blog about everything from sandwiches to music to why certain males suck and I wish they’d leave me alone. Admittedly I still had some high-schoolish hang-ups with which to contend.
I eventually stopped blogging there and deleted my blogs altogether. I felt self-indulgent and somehow unscrupulous for writing my opinions, especially if they happened to evoke criticism. Really I was – and still am- my harshest critic, and that flaw sometimes echoes itself through hyper-sensitivity to the criticism of others.
But I’m working on it. I’m working on loving myself, and I refuse to apologize if that sounds like therapy talk; only people who are familiar with self-hatred can truly understand the importance of finding pride in one’s skills and what makes one happy.
Someone told me the other day, “You really don’t have to apologize for every breath you take.”
This blog is a celebration of realizing how true that is; I don’t have to apologize for being ironic or being introverted or unexpected or absurd or thirsty for information about all things bizarre or commonplace. If you know what I’m talking about, I’m sure you will find at least glimmers of humor and hope in my blogs to follow. I would be delighted if you did and if you shared it with me.
to be sincere
to completely yield to my sarcastic side
to be positive
to forgive myself and not take criticism personally
to write on here every. damn. day.